April 20th, 2009Well, it has been almost 3 months since my father passed away and it doesn't get any eaiser like people say it will. I miss my dad so much that I don't know what to do with myself. But I did find out that writing things down does helps a little. So here goes.
I find myself wishing that there was a some way to just go back and tell my father how much I love him, how much I do love him that I am sorry for not always being a good daughter to him. The last time I saw my father was on Feburary 3rd, 2009 after I returned from my trip. Four days later, my father passed away. If I would have known that my father was not going to be here anymore four days after I returned, I would have never taken that trip.
I would give anything to just feel him hug me and kiss me and tell me that he loves me again. I would give anything just to take in his smell just one more time again. Anything. I can't forget the way he looked the day I saw him lying i a cold room dead. It is an image I cannot erase from my head. I couldn't believe it. That morning, I had spoken to my father and he asked me to please not go to work and just go spend time with him and I chose to go to work instead.
Who does that? It's like he knew that that day was going to be his last. He called every one of his kids as if saying his goodbyes. Who just ignores thier father when he tells you that he knows that he isn't going to be here the next day and that all he wants is to spend time with his baby girl and decides not to go. That is a quilt I live with everyday since.
I always wonder if he felt alone or sad or unloved the moment he realized that that was it, he was dying. I wonder if he knew how much I loved him and how much I still love him and how much I miss him. After my father passed, I moved in with my mother. My mother and him were each other's world for 32 years, even if in those 32 years there were hardships. I knew that this would be hard for her and I didn't want to leave her alone. I don't like to cry or show any emotions in front of her because I know that I have to be strong for her, so I don't even though it is tearing me apart inside.
I just bottle everything up and I don't know how to deal with all this pain, so I just put up a wall until I just act out with anger, usually pointed at anyone around me. I know that it isn't right but what can I do. I just feel that no one really understands how I am feeling and what I am going through. Not even the people who are closest to me .
Well, until next time.
Always and forever,
Daddy's little girl.
Mariela
