A daughters Loss

April 20th, 2009

Well, it has been almost 3 months since my father passed away and it doesn't get any eaiser like people say it will. I miss my dad so much that I don't know what to do with myself. But I did find out that writing things down does helps a little. So here goes.

I find myself wishing that there was a some way to just go back and tell my father how much I love him, how much I do love him that I am sorry for not always being a good daughter to him. The last time I saw my father was on Feburary 3rd, 2009 after I returned from my trip. Four days later, my father passed away. If I would have known that my father was not going to be here anymore four days after I returned, I would have never taken that trip.

I would give anything to just feel him hug me and kiss me and tell me that he loves me again. I would give anything just to take in his smell just one more time again. Anything. I can't forget the way he looked the day I saw him lying i a cold room dead. It is an image I cannot erase from my head. I couldn't believe it. That morning, I had spoken to my father and he asked me to please not go to work and just go spend time with him and I chose to go to work instead.

Who does that? It's like he knew that that day was going to be his last. He called every one of his kids as if saying his goodbyes. Who just ignores thier father when he tells you that he knows that he isn't going to be here the next day and that all he wants is to spend time with his baby girl and decides not to go. That is a quilt I live with everyday since.

I always wonder if he felt alone or sad or unloved the moment he realized that that was it, he was dying. I wonder if he knew how much I loved him and how much I still love him and how much I miss him. After my father passed, I moved in with my mother. My mother and him were each other's world for 32 years, even if in those 32 years there were hardships. I knew that this would be hard for her and I didn't want to leave her alone. I don't like to cry or show any emotions in front of her because I know that I have to be strong for her, so I don't even though it is tearing me apart inside.

I just bottle everything up and I don't know how to deal with all this pain, so I just put up a wall until I just act out with anger, usually pointed at anyone around me. I know that it isn't right but what can I do. I just feel that no one really understands how I am feeling and what I am going through. Not even the people who are closest to me .

Well, until next time.

Always and forever,

Daddy's little girl.

Mariela

LESSONS FOR LIFE Current mood: calm Category: Life
Lessons for Life:
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. It's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.
12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mother.
16. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.